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It’s finally 2009, and it’s going to be a pretty big year for the Kingdom Hearts franchise.  They’re coming out with three new games in Japan (No current plans to bring them to anywhere else, but with Disney based in America, we’re all but guaranteed them here in the U.S.A.), for the PSP, DS, and cell phones.  And Tetsuya Nomura, basically the most important guy at Square Enix, has said that these games will set the stage for the third major game in the franchise.

Well, as much as I love Kingdom Hearts and its awesome blend of the two biggest influences on my childhood (Video games and Disney films), let’s face it: They’re very quickly running out of movies to use for these games.  They’ve already covered most of the modern-day animated Disney films, and even had to resort to using Pirates of the Carribean and reusing some areas from the first game.  (No more Atlantica, for the love of god!)  And I think there’s a few places left that haven’t been tapped that would make a kickass game.  So, being the opinionated loser I am, I felt the need to share my ideas with the rest of the internet, organized into delicious chunks.

#8 – Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


I honestly thought that this one would have been a no-brainer to put in KHII.  The cartoony-meets-film-noir style fits perfectly with the atmosphere of Kingdom Hearts, and the way the movie progresses based around a few key locations is ideal for the room-by-room gameplay.

Why it Would Be Awesome

Are you kidding?  Imagine the boss fight with Judge Doom, in the ACME warehouse.  All those hazards, like the Dip, the Steamroller with the Dip hose attached, the ACME stuff in crates lining the walls.  All that with the cheesy cartoon music playing in the background?  I’d buy KHIII for that ALONE if they had that.  Not to mention the Weasels would make prime Heartless, and the dark tone of the movie can be used to their advantage as well.

Of course, your partner would be Roger himself, with a combined move with Sora where he has a sip of booze and goes insane.  The locations would have to be Eddie’s office, the studio, Toontown, the Acme Warehouse…It’s just too much, this was virtually designed with Kingdom Hearts in mind.

Why it Might Suck

Unfortunately, I don’t think they can even make it.  It is technically a Disney movie, but there are appearances from lots of WB characters, such as Droopy Dog or Bugs Bunny himself.  And even if they skip over those bits, there’s a lot in the movie that could be considered inappropriate for kids.  There’s Jessica Rabbit’s voluptuous figure, Baby Herman’s smoking problem, and the whole Roger-with-alcohol thing might make a few parents angry nowadays in America.

“Maybe we could compromise with the conservatives?”

But the thing that will probably cause the most problems if they do decide to make it despite all the issues, is that a major idea in the film was that toons can’t die, except for by Dip.  This would cause continuity issues with Kingdom Hearts, where your partners, Goofy and Donald, most definitely can die (And always seem to right when you need them.)

#7 – A Bug’s Life


Think back on the last ten years or so.  What have been the best Disney movies?  The Pixar ones.  Yet Pixar’s movies have remained untouched by Kingdom Hearts.  Here’s a good starting point.

Why it Would Be Awesome

My favorite part by far in the first Kingdom Hearts was the Wonderland level.  Not just the confusing world where you never quite  feel like you’ve completed it, but the shrinkiness of it all.  (Is that a word?  It is now.)  Getting small and fighting when you’re the size of a mouse is loads of fun.  Now imagine if you were the size of an ant.  Yeah.

A Bug’s Life not only has the small-size world going for it, but it also has a set hero (Flik) with his own great weapons and a super-powerful villain (Hopper).  I would have so much fun fighting amongst ant-sized baddies, crawling around in the tiny ant holes, and generally helping the underdog beat the bullies.  Plus, since it’s already in CGI, it’s much easier to make it fit in a video game than hand-drawn or live action.

Why it Might Suck

Let’s face it, voice acting in the first two Kingdom Hearts games was less than stellar.  In some places, it outright blew.  I turned my sound off completely for the Pirates of the Caribbean level, to avoid hearing that horrible Jack Sparrow wannabe.  I can only imagine how they’ll butcher Dave Foley and Kevin Spacey in this.  And they couldn’t possibly make this without John Ratzenberger reprising his role as P.T. Flea.  He’s virtually the voice of Pixar these days.

#6 – Peter Pan


Yes, I know Kingdom Hearts already did Peter Pan.  But I was seriously unsatisfied by that level.  The entire level was comprised of Captain Hook’s Ship, and the Big Ben.  YAWN.  Give me some of Neverland!  I want to explore the caves and forests!  And meet mermaids, and indians, and the Lost Boys!

Why it Would Be Awesome

First of all, I was sorely upset that they left out the Soar ability in KHII.  I understand that thinking about your characters flying completely changes the way you build levels, but seriously, that omission really annoyed me.  I found myself trying to soar (And dodge roll, and other moves) throughout the early levels of KHII.  This would give them an excuse to bring it back.

That aside, let’s look at some of the other awesome areas in Neverland we could explore.  There’s a huge fugging island to fly around!  There’s the Lost Boys’ homes, the rivers, the mountain, the caves.  There’s so much missing, and I’d be severely sore if they kept it all out.  Then, in the future, they could do a level based on the Robin Williams movie ‘Hook’, with the whole pirate ship CITY.  Okay, actually, that would kinda suck, but it’s a thought.

Why it Might Suck

Well, simply ask yourself why they left out so many areas from the first round.  It’s plain and simple: Flight.  Since you can fly in this level at will, with virtually no limits, it would mean that you should be able to fly up from any one location in Neverland, and land anywhere else.  This would be an absolute nightmare for game design, especially game design in the style that Kingdom Hearts works.  The only way they can make it work is if they take away the flight ability, which would not make much sense.

#5 – The Great Mouse Detective


I am a huge mystery buff.  Sherlock Holmes, Arsene Lupin, even Detective Conan and House M.D.  So it’s no wonder that my favorite Disney movie growing up was The Great Mouse Detective.

Why it Would Be Awesome

That last scene in the clock tower.  Need I say more?  The fight between Basil and Ratigan climaxes in one of the coolest locations imaginable for a fight scene.  With all the giant gears meshing and turning and crushing and cracking, this would make for a hell of a boss fight.  There’s a few other places that would rock for fighting, too, but that boss fight would be the perfect culmination.  Also, this movie could be seen as a sort of a predecessor to the Chip N’ Dale Rescue Rangers TV show, which was another idea I had (And rejected) for this list.

Not to mention all the shrinkiness (told you it was a word now) that I mentioned for A Bug’s Life applies here too.

Why it Might Suck

As much as I love mysteries, a hack-n-slash game like Kingdom Hearts just doesn’t work well with the whole intellectual side of a mystery.  There’s hardly any actual fighting in the Great Mouse Detective at all.  I suppose they could add some, since most other Disney movies don’t have much fighting either, but it would just seem odd in a mystery storyline.

“So, Olivia, you ever seen a grown mouse naked?”

That, and with Vincent Price dead, who would voice Ratigan?  Nobody else could ever pull it off as well as the brilliant Mr. Price.

#4 – Darkwing Duck


Let’s get dangerous!  At first I thought about saying Duck Tales, but that has the same issue with a lack of fighting that Great Mouse Detective has.  So I thought, why not Launchpad McQuack’s other great show?

Why it Would Be Awesome

It’s freakin’ DARKWING DUCK!  He is the terror that flaps in the night!  This could be a great level.  Imagine wandering around St. Canard with dee-dubya at your side, fighting off the likes of Megavolt, Bushwack, and Negaduck!  They could even try to play off Negaduck as something similar to a Nobody of Drake Mallard’s, like they did with Sephiroth and Cloud in KHII.  They could even bring this one back for multiple games, each time having a different villain to beat.

“Come on, you know you wanna whack the shit out of these guys with an oversized key.”

Why it Might Suck

Actually, I can only think of one reason aside from the crappy voice acting that could ruin this, and that’s simply that Darkwing Duck  isn’t all that popular.  It was made as a sort of spinoff of Ducktales, and came out around the time they started doing Goof Troop, so most people didn’t really go for it.  Honestly, there’s not much else that could suck about it.  So get on it, Square Enix!  I want me some St. Canard, stat!

#3 – The Incredibles


The Incredibles was a great movie that had one of the most sinister, believable villains I’d seen in ages — Syndrome!  He was perfect in his genius as well as his complete disregard for the lives of superheroes, and people in general.  For god’s sake, he steals a baby in the ending of the movie!  Or, he tries to.  Still, he’s genuinely evil, and that’s cool.

“BABY THEFT, BABY THEFT, IT’SSS AWW-RIGHTTT!!!”

Why it Would Be Awesome

Syndrome’s island was one of the coolest places I’ve ever seen in an animated movie.  The pure natural beauty, mixed with the cold, hard modern buildings slicing straight through the volcano.  I’d give my left nut, an arm, a leg, and a few other appendages just to be able to see that place in person.  But seeing it in virtual world would also be pretty nice.

Also, could you imagine Sora trying to pretend he’s a superhero?  Whether it’s becoming a true hero or becoming a real pirate, Sora desperately wants to be something cooler than he is, just like a real kid.  It would be loads of fun to see him begging Mr. Incredible to be his sidekick.

Why it Might Suck

Well, there’s all the reasons stated up in A Bug’s Life, seeing as this has loads more big name voices than even that did.  Not to mention one of the biggest themes in the movie is Mr. Incredible trying play solo and keep it secret from everyone, which means he wouldn’t want to involve Sora and company in his problems.

Also, I can’t say that I could see Sora running around in the world presented by The Incredibles.  The styles are completely different, and I can’t imagine how they might change Sora to fit the world.  I guess that’s simply a lack of imagination on my part, but seriously…if anyone could figure it out, I’d love to see it.

#2 – Gargoyles


This oft-forgotten Disney cartoon really doesn’t get as much credit as it deserves.  It started as basically a superhero cartoon, without any real superheroes.  Then, as it got deeper into its storylines, they added in stuff ripped straight from Scottish mythology as well as reworks of Shakespearean characters.  Wicked show.

Why it Would Be Awesome

Best.  Series.  Ever.  It’s no secret that I’m a fanboy of the comic-book style of storytelling, where the world around the characters slowly evolves until it takes a life of its own.  And I’m also a big buff of mythology: I’ve got loads of books about Krakens and Golems and the Loch Ness monster.  Gargoyles took monsters from all kinds of mythology, tweaked them, and then threw them into a modern-day Gotham-style world.

Kingdom Hearts does something similar.  Like Gargoyles, KH is a retweak of previously created characters and ideas all blended together in a way that somehow manages to make some sembelence of sense.  It would be amazing to see them take this to a whole new level and combine two derivitive mythos together to make something altogether unique.

Not  only that, but the technology seen in Gargoyles is kinda the same style as that in Kingdom Hearts, so it would work perfectly.

Why it Might Suck

Gargoyles has a huge world.  For a good portion of the series, Goliath is wandering the whole freaking Earth.  It would be difficult for them to nail it down to just one location and keep all the awesome characters.  The only way they could manage to make it work is to just have a simple story with Xanatos as the final boss.

“And here’s a slide of me in front of Loch Ness!”

Also, yet again, the crappy voice acting from KH has to be mentioned.  As wikipedia points out, a lot of the voice acting in Gargoyles came from the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation, not to mention Ed Asner as Hudson.  It would be a sham of a level if they left out these great voices.

#1 – Star Wars


Now, let me explain before you scream ‘WTF’.  I know that Star Wars is not Disney-owned.  But Disney has worked alongside Lucas and Co. several times, such as to make the Star Tours ride in Disneyland, or the Indiana Jones ride.  It’s a tenuous connection at best, but this is just a hypothetical, so it doesn’t have to be realistic, right?

Why it Would Be Awesome

Okay, I can’t be the only person who immediately thought of Star Wars in the final areas of Kingdom Hearts II.  Between the Dreadnaught gummi ship battle, the light-grey clunky-yet-awesome technology, and the use of laser-based weaponry (Which you could even deflect with your keyblade, just like a lightsaber!) the final level absolutely screamed out Star Wars.

Now, just imagine playing through the original trilogy with characters doing KH-style moves.  It’s an absolute nerdgasm just to think about how Sora would act after harnessing the force.  And Emperor Palpatine would totally be willing to work with Organization XIII, they’ve got the same sense in fashion.

Also, Kairi’s almost old enough now to wear a certain golden bikini.  Just putting that out there.

“Soon, my dear.  Soon…”

Why it Might Suck

Star Wars fans are notoriously touchy.  They treated George Lucas like a traitor after Episode I: The Phantom Menace came out.  TPM didn’t even damage the franchise that much, it was mostly because of two small details: that abomination Jar-jar Binks, and midichlorians.  The rest of the movie is actually pretty good.  Darth Maul is awesome, and the Pod Race scene is generally agreed to kick major ass.

But the point here is that if they get that upset over an annoying character and an overexplanation of the Force, imagine how they’ll react to see the changes KH might make.  Fuck Jar-jar, imagine Goofy stumbling around Tatooine.  And I don’t need to mention the voice acting issue anymore, I’m sure.  Star Wars fans will never play another Kingdom Hearts game if they make this level and manage to screw it up.

All-in-all, there’s a lot of paths they could take for the future adventures of Sora, Donald, and Goofy.  Generally, these are only the best ideas I could think of, but there’s still all the Disney TV shows, the Disney/Pixar movies, most of the live action films, and even some things that don’t necessarily belong to Disney or square enix.  There’s a lot of worlds out there, and I strongly suggest they check all their options before making another crappy Mulan level.

If you have any comments, suggestions, criticisms, or death threats, feel free to leave them below, or send Amanwithnoname an email at ablogwithnoname@gmail.com.

I’d like to give a quick shout-out/apology to Cracked.com, seeing as I totally ripped off their list format, and did a shitty job at that. All images were shamelessly stolen from throughout the net, found via google image search.

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