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I have a confession to make.  I like politics.  A shocking revelation, I know, but it’s true–From the fury and rage of protesters to the bland and bloated debates of the House and Senate, I love every single aspect of politics.  Except morons, but I’ll save that for later.

And so, being a massive political junkie, and a very VERY liberal one at that, I have a tendency to shoot my mouth off faster than Dick Cheney’s gun (Yes, I’m still making jokes about ol’ Dick.)  It’s gotten to the point where I was making personal crusades against the conservatives on Digg.com, doing all the textual equivalents of yelling and shouting, and doing them all in enormous walls of text that nobody ever probably read thoroughly.

But then, something odd happened.  I got pissed at someone for supporting the recent racial slurs being slung at opposing parties, and called them a moron.  And that person pointed out to me that I was doing exactly what they were…only without the racial bit.

Of course, my knee-jerk reaction was to call them a moron in some other way (“collective IQ of a dead gerbil” came to mind), but then my brain shouted back at me that this person was, in fact, correct.  I was a hypocrite.  A massive one.

So I sat down, and tried desperately to remember what it was that people were supposed to do in these sorts of situations.  My memory hearkened back to when I was a child, and there was an episode of Sesame Street where Oscar the Grouch was a little too Grouchy, and had to do some weird thing to Big Bird, whose feelings he’d hurt…”Apologize”!  That was the word!  What a strange concept!

But, being the experimental person I am (Those videos will never be made public!) I dove right back into the Digg comment hot house and said something amazing:

Hmmm. You actually have a point, that was very hypocritical of me. I’ll admit I’m wrong about that…And I will change that by stopping with the insult slinging at the right, since getting Obama to be respected is more important to me than being funny. So, can we both agree to stop insulting the other side?

Bam.  I said I was sorry.  And that was that.

Wrong.  Apparently, being nice after years of being a prick is a difficult thing to do.  It took me a couple days, but I managed to get rid of almost all my hateful comments.  And then, in a discussion in trade chat on WoW, I actually made good friends with…and I’m still not sure how…A hardcore conservative.

This conservative told me he was impressed that I treated him with respect, and in turn, decided to do the same.  He swore, as I did, to stop insulting people with differing opinions.  And we started a regular debate with each other…We’d each present our opinions without insulting, and without clinging to talking points, and we’d both learn a LOT.  (In case you’re curious, I won 3 out of the 5 debates we had with each other.  ^^)

So, I did some thinking…over all the time I spent screaming and shouting and raging and insulting, I don’t think I changed a single mind to my path.  Then, I start being nice, and one week later, I’ve got a friend who’s far more willing to vote democrat than ever before.  He’s still a conservative…but he realizes that the left wing isn’t all bullshit, and that’s a damn good thing.   And, I also learned that the right wing isn’t all bullshit either.

Oh, and for the record…I do still use insults on the internet.  I only save those for celebrities who spread hateful ideas (Coulter, Limbaugh, Palin, etc), since they get more publicity by being pricks, and won’t stop no matter what.  Them, and the TRUE morons who refuse to stay civil when you’ve given them ample chances, and explained how being nice can be a good thing.  In those cases, a scathing insult is precisely what they deserve.

Moral of the story:  “You catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar”.  It’s not just a weird fly-catching proverb.

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You know what phrase I’m getting sick of hearing?  “Google It.”  This, if used properly, is a perfectly normal phrase that causes no issues.  But, in the wrong hands, it can be more rude than punching a guy in the face.

Normally, it’s just a good way of pointing people in the right direction of how to solve a problem.   Don’t know what a word means?  Google it.  See, that’s fine usage right there, since if you actually google ‘Define X’ you’ll get a  nice, clear answer easily.

The problem is that  people are now using it as a ‘I really don’t want to deal with you right now.  Fuck off.’   This, my  friends, is soiling the good name of google, and deteriorating society at an exponential rate.   For example: ‘How do I get rid of dust easily using photoshop?’  ‘Google it.’   That would send the asker on hours of searching through results which tend to be Yahoo Answer threads where the answer is, ironically, to ‘google it.’

This comes in other, more despicable forms as well.  The latest and rudest of which would be ‘www.letmegooglethatforyou.com/xxxx’.  See, this is assuming that anyone who asks another person a question is apparently unaware of the existence of google.  It’s supposed to be witty and clever, but it still overestimates google’s ability to help you, and also needlessly insults the intelligence of the asker.

The thing here is that these people think they’re being constructive  when they say these things, but they’re actually being destructive.  Realize, if someone’s asking a question, it’s usually because they honestly  don’t  know what’s going on.   Let’s  take that previous example of removing dust in photoshop…If the person actually knew that what he was looking for was called a “dust and scratches filter”, googling it would probably be exactly what they need.  But, let’s use our brains for a moment: If  they don’t even know one of the most useful tools in photoshop, odds are, they’re not very familiar with photoshop at all.  Which means they probably don’t even know what the hell a ‘filter’ is.  So searching for “photoshop dust removal” would probably be their next course of action, which would lead them to tutorials which are lengthy and out-of-date, and they’ll probably spend the next hour trying to figure  out shit.

Now, let’s say if, instead of saying ‘google it’, we reply with ‘Filter > Noise > Dust & Scratches.  Then use clone stamp to detail.  That’s the little button over on the left that looks like a stamp.  Hold alt and click with the tool to get it to work.’  Yes, it takes a little more effort on our part, but we’ve managed to make this person’s day loads easier, and managed to not come across as a massive prick.

Now, I know what you’re thinking…If  they’re that stupid, they probably would be too stupid to use the answer I gave, and probably need a tutorial.  Well, see, that’s an unreasonable assumption.  Intelligence isn’t black and white.  There aren’t smart and stupid people.  This person may  not know anything about photoshop, but they may still be a genius in other things, such as the english language.  To assume they can’t understand you easily  simply because they don’t understand a program that, believe it or not, not  everyone has had since the beginning of time, is RUDE.

My point here is simply that, yes, google is an incredible tool, but human interaction is a far better tool.  So stop being a dick and just show some goddamned kindness once in a while.  That’s all I ask.

It’s finally 2009, and it’s going to be a pretty big year for the Kingdom Hearts franchise.  They’re coming out with three new games in Japan (No current plans to bring them to anywhere else, but with Disney based in America, we’re all but guaranteed them here in the U.S.A.), for the PSP, DS, and cell phones.  And Tetsuya Nomura, basically the most important guy at Square Enix, has said that these games will set the stage for the third major game in the franchise.

Well, as much as I love Kingdom Hearts and its awesome blend of the two biggest influences on my childhood (Video games and Disney films), let’s face it: They’re very quickly running out of movies to use for these games.  They’ve already covered most of the modern-day animated Disney films, and even had to resort to using Pirates of the Carribean and reusing some areas from the first game.  (No more Atlantica, for the love of god!)  And I think there’s a few places left that haven’t been tapped that would make a kickass game.  So, being the opinionated loser I am, I felt the need to share my ideas with the rest of the internet, organized into delicious chunks.

#8 – Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


I honestly thought that this one would have been a no-brainer to put in KHII.  The cartoony-meets-film-noir style fits perfectly with the atmosphere of Kingdom Hearts, and the way the movie progresses based around a few key locations is ideal for the room-by-room gameplay.

Why it Would Be Awesome

Are you kidding?  Imagine the boss fight with Judge Doom, in the ACME warehouse.  All those hazards, like the Dip, the Steamroller with the Dip hose attached, the ACME stuff in crates lining the walls.  All that with the cheesy cartoon music playing in the background?  I’d buy KHIII for that ALONE if they had that.  Not to mention the Weasels would make prime Heartless, and the dark tone of the movie can be used to their advantage as well.

Of course, your partner would be Roger himself, with a combined move with Sora where he has a sip of booze and goes insane.  The locations would have to be Eddie’s office, the studio, Toontown, the Acme Warehouse…It’s just too much, this was virtually designed with Kingdom Hearts in mind.

Why it Might Suck

Unfortunately, I don’t think they can even make it.  It is technically a Disney movie, but there are appearances from lots of WB characters, such as Droopy Dog or Bugs Bunny himself.  And even if they skip over those bits, there’s a lot in the movie that could be considered inappropriate for kids.  There’s Jessica Rabbit’s voluptuous figure, Baby Herman’s smoking problem, and the whole Roger-with-alcohol thing might make a few parents angry nowadays in America.

“Maybe we could compromise with the conservatives?”

But the thing that will probably cause the most problems if they do decide to make it despite all the issues, is that a major idea in the film was that toons can’t die, except for by Dip.  This would cause continuity issues with Kingdom Hearts, where your partners, Goofy and Donald, most definitely can die (And always seem to right when you need them.)

#7 – A Bug’s Life


Think back on the last ten years or so.  What have been the best Disney movies?  The Pixar ones.  Yet Pixar’s movies have remained untouched by Kingdom Hearts.  Here’s a good starting point.

Why it Would Be Awesome

My favorite part by far in the first Kingdom Hearts was the Wonderland level.  Not just the confusing world where you never quite  feel like you’ve completed it, but the shrinkiness of it all.  (Is that a word?  It is now.)  Getting small and fighting when you’re the size of a mouse is loads of fun.  Now imagine if you were the size of an ant.  Yeah.

A Bug’s Life not only has the small-size world going for it, but it also has a set hero (Flik) with his own great weapons and a super-powerful villain (Hopper).  I would have so much fun fighting amongst ant-sized baddies, crawling around in the tiny ant holes, and generally helping the underdog beat the bullies.  Plus, since it’s already in CGI, it’s much easier to make it fit in a video game than hand-drawn or live action.

Why it Might Suck

Let’s face it, voice acting in the first two Kingdom Hearts games was less than stellar.  In some places, it outright blew.  I turned my sound off completely for the Pirates of the Caribbean level, to avoid hearing that horrible Jack Sparrow wannabe.  I can only imagine how they’ll butcher Dave Foley and Kevin Spacey in this.  And they couldn’t possibly make this without John Ratzenberger reprising his role as P.T. Flea.  He’s virtually the voice of Pixar these days.

#6 – Peter Pan


Yes, I know Kingdom Hearts already did Peter Pan.  But I was seriously unsatisfied by that level.  The entire level was comprised of Captain Hook’s Ship, and the Big Ben.  YAWN.  Give me some of Neverland!  I want to explore the caves and forests!  And meet mermaids, and indians, and the Lost Boys!

Why it Would Be Awesome

First of all, I was sorely upset that they left out the Soar ability in KHII.  I understand that thinking about your characters flying completely changes the way you build levels, but seriously, that omission really annoyed me.  I found myself trying to soar (And dodge roll, and other moves) throughout the early levels of KHII.  This would give them an excuse to bring it back.

That aside, let’s look at some of the other awesome areas in Neverland we could explore.  There’s a huge fugging island to fly around!  There’s the Lost Boys’ homes, the rivers, the mountain, the caves.  There’s so much missing, and I’d be severely sore if they kept it all out.  Then, in the future, they could do a level based on the Robin Williams movie ‘Hook’, with the whole pirate ship CITY.  Okay, actually, that would kinda suck, but it’s a thought.

Why it Might Suck

Well, simply ask yourself why they left out so many areas from the first round.  It’s plain and simple: Flight.  Since you can fly in this level at will, with virtually no limits, it would mean that you should be able to fly up from any one location in Neverland, and land anywhere else.  This would be an absolute nightmare for game design, especially game design in the style that Kingdom Hearts works.  The only way they can make it work is if they take away the flight ability, which would not make much sense.

#5 – The Great Mouse Detective


I am a huge mystery buff.  Sherlock Holmes, Arsene Lupin, even Detective Conan and House M.D.  So it’s no wonder that my favorite Disney movie growing up was The Great Mouse Detective.

Why it Would Be Awesome

That last scene in the clock tower.  Need I say more?  The fight between Basil and Ratigan climaxes in one of the coolest locations imaginable for a fight scene.  With all the giant gears meshing and turning and crushing and cracking, this would make for a hell of a boss fight.  There’s a few other places that would rock for fighting, too, but that boss fight would be the perfect culmination.  Also, this movie could be seen as a sort of a predecessor to the Chip N’ Dale Rescue Rangers TV show, which was another idea I had (And rejected) for this list.

Not to mention all the shrinkiness (told you it was a word now) that I mentioned for A Bug’s Life applies here too.

Why it Might Suck

As much as I love mysteries, a hack-n-slash game like Kingdom Hearts just doesn’t work well with the whole intellectual side of a mystery.  There’s hardly any actual fighting in the Great Mouse Detective at all.  I suppose they could add some, since most other Disney movies don’t have much fighting either, but it would just seem odd in a mystery storyline.

“So, Olivia, you ever seen a grown mouse naked?”

That, and with Vincent Price dead, who would voice Ratigan?  Nobody else could ever pull it off as well as the brilliant Mr. Price.

#4 – Darkwing Duck


Let’s get dangerous!  At first I thought about saying Duck Tales, but that has the same issue with a lack of fighting that Great Mouse Detective has.  So I thought, why not Launchpad McQuack’s other great show?

Why it Would Be Awesome

It’s freakin’ DARKWING DUCK!  He is the terror that flaps in the night!  This could be a great level.  Imagine wandering around St. Canard with dee-dubya at your side, fighting off the likes of Megavolt, Bushwack, and Negaduck!  They could even try to play off Negaduck as something similar to a Nobody of Drake Mallard’s, like they did with Sephiroth and Cloud in KHII.  They could even bring this one back for multiple games, each time having a different villain to beat.

“Come on, you know you wanna whack the shit out of these guys with an oversized key.”

Why it Might Suck

Actually, I can only think of one reason aside from the crappy voice acting that could ruin this, and that’s simply that Darkwing Duck  isn’t all that popular.  It was made as a sort of spinoff of Ducktales, and came out around the time they started doing Goof Troop, so most people didn’t really go for it.  Honestly, there’s not much else that could suck about it.  So get on it, Square Enix!  I want me some St. Canard, stat!

#3 – The Incredibles


The Incredibles was a great movie that had one of the most sinister, believable villains I’d seen in ages — Syndrome!  He was perfect in his genius as well as his complete disregard for the lives of superheroes, and people in general.  For god’s sake, he steals a baby in the ending of the movie!  Or, he tries to.  Still, he’s genuinely evil, and that’s cool.

“BABY THEFT, BABY THEFT, IT’SSS AWW-RIGHTTT!!!”

Why it Would Be Awesome

Syndrome’s island was one of the coolest places I’ve ever seen in an animated movie.  The pure natural beauty, mixed with the cold, hard modern buildings slicing straight through the volcano.  I’d give my left nut, an arm, a leg, and a few other appendages just to be able to see that place in person.  But seeing it in virtual world would also be pretty nice.

Also, could you imagine Sora trying to pretend he’s a superhero?  Whether it’s becoming a true hero or becoming a real pirate, Sora desperately wants to be something cooler than he is, just like a real kid.  It would be loads of fun to see him begging Mr. Incredible to be his sidekick.

Why it Might Suck

Well, there’s all the reasons stated up in A Bug’s Life, seeing as this has loads more big name voices than even that did.  Not to mention one of the biggest themes in the movie is Mr. Incredible trying play solo and keep it secret from everyone, which means he wouldn’t want to involve Sora and company in his problems.

Also, I can’t say that I could see Sora running around in the world presented by The Incredibles.  The styles are completely different, and I can’t imagine how they might change Sora to fit the world.  I guess that’s simply a lack of imagination on my part, but seriously…if anyone could figure it out, I’d love to see it.

#2 – Gargoyles


This oft-forgotten Disney cartoon really doesn’t get as much credit as it deserves.  It started as basically a superhero cartoon, without any real superheroes.  Then, as it got deeper into its storylines, they added in stuff ripped straight from Scottish mythology as well as reworks of Shakespearean characters.  Wicked show.

Why it Would Be Awesome

Best.  Series.  Ever.  It’s no secret that I’m a fanboy of the comic-book style of storytelling, where the world around the characters slowly evolves until it takes a life of its own.  And I’m also a big buff of mythology: I’ve got loads of books about Krakens and Golems and the Loch Ness monster.  Gargoyles took monsters from all kinds of mythology, tweaked them, and then threw them into a modern-day Gotham-style world.

Kingdom Hearts does something similar.  Like Gargoyles, KH is a retweak of previously created characters and ideas all blended together in a way that somehow manages to make some sembelence of sense.  It would be amazing to see them take this to a whole new level and combine two derivitive mythos together to make something altogether unique.

Not  only that, but the technology seen in Gargoyles is kinda the same style as that in Kingdom Hearts, so it would work perfectly.

Why it Might Suck

Gargoyles has a huge world.  For a good portion of the series, Goliath is wandering the whole freaking Earth.  It would be difficult for them to nail it down to just one location and keep all the awesome characters.  The only way they could manage to make it work is to just have a simple story with Xanatos as the final boss.

“And here’s a slide of me in front of Loch Ness!”

Also, yet again, the crappy voice acting from KH has to be mentioned.  As wikipedia points out, a lot of the voice acting in Gargoyles came from the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation, not to mention Ed Asner as Hudson.  It would be a sham of a level if they left out these great voices.

#1 – Star Wars


Now, let me explain before you scream ‘WTF’.  I know that Star Wars is not Disney-owned.  But Disney has worked alongside Lucas and Co. several times, such as to make the Star Tours ride in Disneyland, or the Indiana Jones ride.  It’s a tenuous connection at best, but this is just a hypothetical, so it doesn’t have to be realistic, right?

Why it Would Be Awesome

Okay, I can’t be the only person who immediately thought of Star Wars in the final areas of Kingdom Hearts II.  Between the Dreadnaught gummi ship battle, the light-grey clunky-yet-awesome technology, and the use of laser-based weaponry (Which you could even deflect with your keyblade, just like a lightsaber!) the final level absolutely screamed out Star Wars.

Now, just imagine playing through the original trilogy with characters doing KH-style moves.  It’s an absolute nerdgasm just to think about how Sora would act after harnessing the force.  And Emperor Palpatine would totally be willing to work with Organization XIII, they’ve got the same sense in fashion.

Also, Kairi’s almost old enough now to wear a certain golden bikini.  Just putting that out there.

“Soon, my dear.  Soon…”

Why it Might Suck

Star Wars fans are notoriously touchy.  They treated George Lucas like a traitor after Episode I: The Phantom Menace came out.  TPM didn’t even damage the franchise that much, it was mostly because of two small details: that abomination Jar-jar Binks, and midichlorians.  The rest of the movie is actually pretty good.  Darth Maul is awesome, and the Pod Race scene is generally agreed to kick major ass.

But the point here is that if they get that upset over an annoying character and an overexplanation of the Force, imagine how they’ll react to see the changes KH might make.  Fuck Jar-jar, imagine Goofy stumbling around Tatooine.  And I don’t need to mention the voice acting issue anymore, I’m sure.  Star Wars fans will never play another Kingdom Hearts game if they make this level and manage to screw it up.

All-in-all, there’s a lot of paths they could take for the future adventures of Sora, Donald, and Goofy.  Generally, these are only the best ideas I could think of, but there’s still all the Disney TV shows, the Disney/Pixar movies, most of the live action films, and even some things that don’t necessarily belong to Disney or square enix.  There’s a lot of worlds out there, and I strongly suggest they check all their options before making another crappy Mulan level.

If you have any comments, suggestions, criticisms, or death threats, feel free to leave them below, or send Amanwithnoname an email at ablogwithnoname@gmail.com.

I’d like to give a quick shout-out/apology to Cracked.com, seeing as I totally ripped off their list format, and did a shitty job at that. All images were shamelessly stolen from throughout the net, found via google image search.